Getting a good night’s sleep at 8:30~ important!
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Getting a FREE makeover compliments of your wife and daughters~ PRICELESS!
Archive for May 31st, 2008
CAUTION: WE WILL GO FROM
THIS:
TO
THIS! IN A FEW SECONDS
My mother just informed me on the telephone that EARLY menopause runs in our family. Early like how old I am. (aaaagggghhhh!!!!) I don’t know, maybe she just said it to be mean. But something is going on with me!
I won’t tell you which ones but being pissed that you ARE a woman, should be on this list somewhere.
*Note to Men everywhere, the anecdote to most of these symptoms is this:
As Woody on Toy Story might say: “Don’t have one? Get one!”
LIST OF THE 34 MENOPAUSE SYMPTOMS
Common Symptoms
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I also happen to think it’s a conspiracy….by MEN against Us. Notice how all the bad things start with MEN?
MENstruation?
MENopause?
MENtally unstable?
Ya see where I am going with this?
Let’s face it guys, this list is the REAL reason you turn in your wives for a newer model when you hit 40 isn’t it??? The young chicks don’t have all this going on just down the road. They’ll put up with Male pattern baldness, a santa claus belly, and earhair, just for the keys to your BMW.
ON A POSSIBLY RELATED NOTE (or not)
I was in the grocery store this morning buying 2 items. One was maxi pads for Big “A” who came on her “time of the month”, and another was a pregnancy test for me, who did NOT have one of those recently. (see #3 on the list)
I think I really confused the checkout lady by bringing both pads and a pregnancy test up at the same time!
But then she asked something really dumb.
She asked me if I was “expecting”! (wouldn’t one item just scream NO! and the other item scream I DON’T KNOW?)
Maybe she just thought I was a fat cow,and wanted to give me an excuse for being a pudge ball around my mid section?
He was there. Right above the bi-lingual Elmo, and next to some Sesame Street characters.
BARNEY on a big toy cell phone for tots, of all things. It’s called “best manners” Barney phone. You know, that Purple dinosaur we all thought was played out already.
The problem is, Best manners Barney doesn’t really teach kids much of any manners. I know, because growing up, I never heard from my mom,
“REMEMBER, PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY BEFORE YOU PLAY”
Or
“REMEMBER, DON’T TAKE YOUR PHONE INTO THE BATH TUB”
I did however hear from MY mother: “If you don’t do what I say, your ass is grass and I’m the lawn mower!”
Can you believe it? We did what she said!!
It’s obvious Barney doesn’t know squat about child raising these days.
Barney, I’ll give you a few phrases that might be just a little more useful to our kids then what your corporate executives came up with.
For starters, how about:
“REMEMBER, DON’T EAT ALL THE DORITOS WHEN MOM’S AT WORK”
or the always useful
“REMEMBER, DIRTY SOCKS DON’T JUMP INTO THE HAMPER BY THEMSELVES”
or maybe
“Stop calling your sister “ dumb nut”
It’s not Barney’s fault of course, although he does get beat up alot when he shows up at parties in person. Whoever made him say that was prolly like 70 or something.
We could also use a Barney to teach these little peckers who keep shoplifting everyday in the store a good lesson.
Yes, Barney shoulda taught them when THEY were kids.
Just saying.
“REMEMBER, DON’T STEAL CONDOMS, CHANCES ARE YOU WON’T GET LAID ANYWAY!”
or:
“REMEMBER, STEALING ONE TAMPON OUT OF THE BOX AND USING IT IN THE STORE BATHROOM IS NOT NICE!!!”
My supervisor #2 tells me tonight: Oh they do it all the time!
Me: You’re kidding. STUPID. (note to self: tampons, don’t leave home without em.)
Supervisor is rallying for an equal stealing allowance for men. He thinks because men don’t steal tampons, they should be able to break out a BUD Light or something from a 12 pack and go in the bathroom and drink it.
He’s sorta got a point there.
But everyone’s next favorite thing to steal is pregnancy tests.
Can you imagine all these ill mannered shoplifters having ill mannered kids?
I say better start manufacturing new “Best manners” Barney phones right away!!!!.
Create Fake Magazine Covers with your own picture at MagMyPic.com Big “A” showed me this site and its fun to do when you’re bored witless.
And YES it’s me, but a year ago. I weigh 400 pounds now. (kidding)
But there is a lot to be said for posing in such a way that hides that FAT stomach I was too lazy to work off.
They didn’t have a cover for “Blubber Magazine” or “Fat wives gone mental”
Here’s one of Little “A” Pic was taken 2 years ago almost. I love this pic of her, it instantly cheers me up.
Create Fake Magazine Covers with your own picture at MagMyPic.com
31
May
08
Dirt
This is the little garden area we’re re-doing. I will post pictures of any growth. Any growth is purely by chance. I have a black thumb, not a green one, any hoo, we started with this today, and plan to add more. Big “A” and I had a good time playing in the dirt.. Which surprises me because she is overtly clean when it comes to dirt being ON her. lol
The kid’s choice : white vincas AND
the apricot vincas AND
I picked out these:
This was growing here already, although I had to clear the whole garden of dead leaves and trash and other assorted junk to make it nice. The dirt itself is nice and fertile for 4 inches and then Clay. (yuk)
Later, I found Doug. He was outside with his “mistress”
I said, “You don’t wash ME like that!” and he said, “That’s my BABY”
Oh, well, I guess he can have the two of us, if he lets ME drive once in awhile!!! hahahaha.
Things cool people say.....