This is a letter my son wrote to me last year before I got back together with Doug, his stepfather. 

 

 

 As of this writing,  Joe exited the Air Force and entered the Army. 

 

 

I have only heard from him a handful of times. 

 

 

  If you are a grown man who is reading this, can you possibly please decipher for me the complexity of a grown man deciding to detach from his family, not just me, but his natural father and sister.

 

 

 Do I take his letters at the face value, and be beaming and proud? 

 

 

 I am sooooo proud by the way, of this boy/man whom I birthed at age 19  raised pretty much on my own, and saw him off into the world! 

 

 

 He IS my world.   He’s never been in law trouble.  No girls have his baby.  He’s not a crackhead, druggie or alcoholic… He IS just as he says he is, smart, good looking and funny. 

 

 

 No wonder he has “girl issues” haha.  Write me son,  write me and call me.  I miss you.

 

 

 

 

 

Ma you shouldn’t worry so much

. You know I’ve always been a loner sort of guy.

 Its not just you, I really don’t talk to a lot of people.

 I don’t even call Dad unless he calls me first.

 Its not that I don’t love you its just that… I don’t know actually,

 I just never have the compulsion to talk to anyone.

When I talked to you way back when,

when you first told me about you and the girls’ living situations I started crying on the phone.

I wish I could be there to help you and provide for you.

Right now life is really messed up.

My money situation is poorly managed because I spend how I live, by the seat of my pants.

I have no plans past tomorrow and anytime I make any it makes me nervous.

 I’ve changed a lot I guess.

Being on my own is a harrowing experience.

 I smoke now… and I’m pretty sure I drink too much.

And the only faith I hold is the belief that tomorrow is a new day and its going to be better than today.

 No one knows whats gonna happen tomorrow.

I have girl issues, which pretty much culminates to I’m tired of their crap.

I personally think I’m a great guy you know?, smart, athletic, good looking (i think) and funny… but all they want to do is hurt me.

 Which makes me want to be alone even moreso

.
I really don’t trust anyone these days.

 I have a handful of friends that I can count on through thick and thin,

 but other than that its family and most family is too far away to really have a hand in things.

 Dad works all the time and ________ is always busy, and ________ is soon to not be my step mom anymore.

I miss you and the girls and it weirds me out to see them growing up without me.

 Without a male role model in their lives to protect them (and you).

 But again, I trust no one and if you did find a guy I would probably hate him until he could prove

himself to me that he wouldn’t hurt you.

If I became wealthy you would be the first person I’d spoil.

How can I forget my own mother who has sacrificed for me my entire life?

Its dumb to think I would and its dumb to think anything less than “I put my mother above God”.

I could care less about anyone but my family.

I really will try and call you sometime when I’m not doing anything,

but I don’t talk on the phone much, so maybe I’ll set my alarm.

Sometimes I worry that I’ll disappoint you so I don’t want to call

 and tell you about the things I get into cus I don’t want to make you sad and worry about me.

 I’m not going crazy, of course,

but I’m probably a far shot off the mark of the dream you had for me when I was a kid.

 I’ll be out of the military December first so who knows where life will take me then?

 I’ll call you later Ma.

Love you, your first born, Joe