Stating the obvious, Meaning it the Mostest

Sweetiegirlz is gone packing….for a lil bit.  I just wanted to wish everyone who will be visiting with family, dining with family, dining without family, and otherwise  partaking in the annual thanksgiving feast: 

 

 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!! 

 

 

  I have so much to be thankful for and I know you do too.   i will have some great pictures to bring back to you all, and I am thankful that I am seeing my parents for the first time in 12 years, my brother and his family for the first time in 7 years. 

~Cheers!  SG

Of Rain, and Sincerity

    Yesterday, I couldn’t finish this post.  I got so tired early that I had to save it.

  I’m off work today, officially on leave and tying up loose ends for going to Michigan tommorrow.  I won’t lie if I say I’m not still a little nervous, but things are way better than they were. 

  Yesterday, was also Darla’s birthday at work.  We always do a cake and take the birthday person out for lunch, so that was a welcome distraction to everything going on.

   So, don’t ask me why, but when I got home from work yesterday,  I just slept and slept and slept.  4 hours again. Poo.

 I can’t figure out why one month I can go to the gym after work and run 2 miles and pump iron, and another month,  sleep like a baby every day.

  I will try to fit in a long walk today if the weather will let me, it rained big last night, and we even heard occasional thunder!  November.  wow. 

 As usual the whole rain falling on the roof overhead, lulled me into peace.  I think if I had to be thankful for something, I would be thankful for that.  Just burying my face into the comforter at night, all warm, while inclement weather doesn’t touch me…

Yeah.  the man thing: 

He’s been extremely friendly lately.  It will always happen like that, after conflict like this. 

 On the outside looking in, someone might say, “well crap, what do you WANT from him?”  you get pissed when he’s mean, and you’re pissed when he’s friendly”  

 but then, that wouldn’t be an accurate picture of what’s going on. 

the whole picture is really a road map to this cross roads right here.  A timeline if you will.

  Last weekend, I told him I saw a lawyer. 

 He answered by asking:  “how much did they want?” 

 

  Eventually we talked some more, but I think he senses that things aren’t just going to go back to what they were. 

 

 

Yesterday, we rode to work together in the morning. 

 He’s touching my now bare ring finger, “when you going to put this back on?  I want it back on.”

 

  Me: when I feel like it, when you get your stuff together, Iwill know when it’s time to put it back on”  (or words to that effect)

 

 

  Him:  “well can I have the ring back then?  I’ll pawn it for money” 

(and yes, he was serious)

 

 Me:  “what!? you gave this ring to me, it is MINE”

 

Him: oh. well, can I take my ring off then?

ME: whatever.

 

Sunday Photo Essay~Small town season’s greetings

       We’ve been to the historical town of Weston, Missouri before, and as all small quaint towns go, the people are extremely friendly.  They have antique stores like every 50 feet here. lol.  Today, we browsed one and I was so happy to have found more doll home furniture fodder for a reasonable price.   Well, we also met a victorian Santa, ate at Charlemane’s restaurant which is a german style buffet (on Sundays) I thought it was so funny how Doug kept saying over and over that he didn’t wanna eat in town, but as soon as we hit the door of the place and that home cooking smell met him, he got his grub on.  2 plates full, plus dessert.  enjoy the pictures.

because we surely enjoyed the day there.

 

        * a portion of the main street*

 

 

*I love how the sky reflected off these windows.

 

 

*home “grown” charm?*

 

 

*despite the glare, i had to take a picture of  “window dawg”  a sweet little dog that sat in a window of a store that wasn’t open.  Yes, please refrain from singing…how much is that doggy in the window?” I don’t think he was for sale. lol.

 

 

*will the real santa claus please stand up?”

 

*this guy made my day,  a victorian Santa claus was sooo authentic looking and kewl.

 

 

* He told us, he has been portraying Santa claus for 23 years!  Sometimes as Santa, and sometimes as the Victorian Santa.

 

 

*One of the little “friends” we met for sale in an antique shop.  Only 65.00 dollars!*

 

 

*or you could play tea party with this lovely wicker table and china.

 

 

 

*battered 70 year old baybeees for sale.  Only 60.oo…. as is.

 

 

*we took in plenty of landscaping, eyes focused on this forlorn bare tree in the middle of a corn field. 

 

 

*hay rolled up for the winter*

 

 

* and a once gallant hard working truck, abandoned to fate.

running on neutral ground

I ran this morning.  It was cold out and I could see my breath.  

  I ran alone and I needed this run.  4 miles. 

 some of it was jog/walking but still, the invigoration was a welcome friend.

 Having spent Friday evening exclusively with Little A seeing the movie ”new moon”  and just hanging out, Life felt good.   We were glad that we saw the movie at 4 p.m.

this whole big ad campaign by Burger King about Edward (bella’s vampire boyfriend) and Jacob (the werewolf boy) is so much hype!

everybody should definitely vote JACOB:

edward isn’t as ripped, and his color?  I could never get used to it! 

  It seemed that when we came out of our theatre, the crowds were pressed up against the doors so tight to see the 7 p.m show that it made me really glad I chose movie before dinner.

 Little A was beside herself, thanking me over and over.   Big A spent Friday evening at her school dance.  she is such a social girl.  I love them both with all of my heart.   

Had a good dinner at Applebees with a glass of wine and dessert and everything.    The whole day was exactly what I needed. 

Blogging right now, I can’t help but notice that most *if not pretty much all* my male readers have disapeared from reading my stuff.  

 It wouldn’t bother me, but for the fact that men might not like that I seem to do alot of “doug bashing” on here and omg am I so not fair to him or something?

  Am I a hormone laden shrew, that I can’t vent about the prolonged and very rocky past the two of us have without coming off well….

bee-otchy? 

  I’m capable of love.  I will say that.  I’m capable of loving and giving to a man unconditionally, and 14 years (and counting)…

… is a long time to ignore verbal abuse.

   But I can’t help but notice,  maybe that the chick rants have driven the fellas out.  maybe. 

 maybe I’m just imagining it.

Peace to you and yours and thank you for all your support.  Ladies…and Gary.

Photos~Some oldies from Archives of Sweetiegirlz

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The comfort Of little A

I did not get to ask Little A what exactly went through her mind yesterday evening when she painted this picture.  I just fell in love with it and wanted to share it with you all.

    So then, today comes along.  Just another unassuming day.  I went to work.  We had Potluck thanksgiving dinner at work. 

 It was a really great day, because of the comraderie of the “family” type workplace we have, the dinner was completely enjoyable. 

 

 

  This morning we had awards ceremony too.  a long one.  I had to take a lot of pictures.  Even the weather was great.  I think it got into the 60’s maybe with sunny skies.  It would have been the perfect workout weather but I was so tired for some reason, maybe the huge lunch, IDK.  

 

 

 So I slept and pretty soon, “HE” came home with little A. 

 and then Big A came home.  

Then,

  Big A,

 came….home. 

 

 

 She was in a bad mood, where hanging with her friends brings the bravery out in her. 

 So she was amazingly snotty to me. 

First off, she wants on the computer, but I am not happy with her room, so I sent her up to clean it, and she comes down in 2.5 seconds.  *ahem*  not really clean.

  she brings the laptop over to me and wants me to type in the pass word. 

 When I refuse, she calls me “lazy” and proceeds to screech at me.

  Now,  she has decided that her own evening will be…in….alone without friends and folding clothes. 

 With this, she said “you suck” and “I hate you”.  

  One more thing came out of her mouth and I got up and steered her to the kitchen, asking “him” to come downstairs.

 

 

 

I should have known better to involve doug in any damn thing where conflict is involved.  shame on me.

  At this point, I have already given her a consequence for her actions: 

 which was to fold clothes, clean the kitchen, and go straight to bed. 

This time,  I give her a stern warning. 

 

 

 ME:  you don’t want to ruin your evening tommorrow do you?  (she shakes her head no because she wants very badly to attend the school dance with her friends)

 

 ME: then I suggest you never talk back to me again.  I am not screaming at you, you will not disrespect me by screaming at me and calling me names.” 

 

   Well…. Big A nods.  Yes, she understands, she was about to proceed to finish the chores, when “he”  got 2 inches from her face and screams at her:

 

 ”Yeah, that’s right!  You’re fucking gonna learn the rules of this house

I’m sick and tired of you disobeying..” 

 

OMG OMG I knew what was coming next. 

  Big A’s eyes welled up with tears, she screams back at him.  “I hate you! Go to hell!” 

  ME: Big A!  No! 

 

 

At this point, the “man” has stepped away but he turns back around and I am in the middle of them.

  Once again, I feel him absolutely “vibrating” with energy.  I don’t know how else to describe it.  It wasn’t him “shaking” so much as his actual self was vibrating like an electric wire.  

 He was full throttle and stuck in high gear. 

 

 

 Again, as in so many other times,  he is close to her and screams into her face:  FUCK YOU!!!!  his own flesh and blood daughter. 

 

 

i want to die.   

i am tired.

it is over between us.

it may not be today.

it may not be tommorrow. 

but it IS most assuredly over between us.

 

 

Big A’s best friend’s dad is a cop here on post.   I called him to have him come over and speak with my ‘husband’ rather than have me call some police on duty and have his name on the blotter tonight. 

 

his response after the talk was to go park himself upstairs and watch wrestling.  I didn’t try to follow him. 

   It quieted him but now, 3 hours later, as I write this, i realize.  I am just biding my time before he and I separate for good.   He just won’t ever get the damage that he has done and Is still doing with these daughters of his.

 

 Because my life has been so negatively touched by abuse almost from my 2nd year of life onward,  I now lack the capacity to do anything but love those who give love back, and no one else. 

I have chosen to sleep on the sofa, with no blanket tonight, wearing “his” army socks  and my dog by my side. 

 I won’t be able to really talk to him anymore after this. 

   

 The picture Little A painted?  was it prophetic?  A comfort to me? 

 or just a picture…. I’ll never know.

 but strangely tonight I am deriving much comfort from it. 

silly

watching “Penguins of madagascar” cartoon with little A,  and LOL at this line:

“You are the victim of a misfortune cookie!”

Misfortune cookies are made of  horror

 

 

and violence

 

 

and sugar!

 

 

and eeeevil…

getting to the heart of things

 

 

 

 

SHREK: For your information, there’s a lot more to ogres than people think.

DONKEY: Example?

SHREK: Example? Okay. Uh… ogres are like onions.

DONKEY: They stink?

SHREK: Yes. No!

DONKEY: Oh, they make you cry?

SHREK: No!

DONKEY: Oh, you leave them out in the sun, they get all brown and start sprouting little white hairs.

SHREK: No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I talked to my mom today.  I had to call her before we took our trip. 

 There were those emails.  There were also those other 2 or 3 trips that we took years ago that made us literally sick with regret for going there. 

 

 I was allowing fear to have it’s way with me about this trip. 

 

  When I called her, she sounded really glad to hear from me.  In fact,  I know I heard her voice crack a little when she said,

“I am glad you called”

  I told her I didn’t want to come to Michigan with any misunderstandings. 

 My mom is such a person that I can compare her present personality to a porcupine. 

 

The porcupine uses its quills for defense. The porcupine cannot shoot its quills. When a predator approaches, the porcupine will turn its back, raise the quills and lash out at the threat with its tail.

The porcupine is not an aggressive animal. It will only attack if it is threatened.

~http://www.nhptv.org/NatureWorks/porcupine.htm

Her main method of defense these days is to strike before stricken.  emotions… bad past, and all. 

It takes forever to get to the real mother heart in her.    It’s fair to say, her feelings were hurt about the possibility of our family not coming to visit her and dad at their home too.   Why didn’t she just say that in the beginning?

  yeah it’s the whole porcupine thing…hurt or be hurt.   

  How does a line from Shrek come into play?  My mom believe it or not in her emails, over and over has told me that  her and my dad are “not the ogres people make us out to be”   and “we’ve changed”  

Can I help it if I couldn’t believe that, based on our tumultuous, drama filled life together and the ensuing years of emotional tirade???hmmn? hmn? 

 and it reminded me about the lines in the movie above.

   I am here to tell you…my mother has layers. 

  Unfortunately, I am not the one to really have the strength to peel through those layers to get to the real her, because of my past with her…  in fact, “I am not the one” is the the understatement of the world. lol. 

   Now, I can go to Michigan without feeling afraid at least. 

Retro Picture of the week: Raising men

I found this in my son’s baby book.  He’s been on my mind a lot lately.  When I looked at this, I thought, “all these boys in this picture are men now.”  wow. 

 and then I wondered what they were all doing in life…

 

 

and then I wondered what my son, (on the far right) was doing. 

 The boy on the left with the tail?  He was a bully.

  I wondered if he ever changed. 

 

 

The blonde headed boy was my son’s favorite friend.  His mama ended up having a baby brother for him, much later on in years than this picture is taken.

 

 

  The baby in the picture is pee wee’s brother. 

 

Whenever we didn’t have money to go to the pool, the kids ran through the sprinkler.  Their life was carefree and filled with fun days like this.

BIG RED PEN AND OTHER THOUGHTS

     This drawing is for the ladies who read and comment for me, especially lately.  I have been soooo, omg, so out of sorts lately. 

 IDK. But I’m so glad to have all of you girls to laugh with, to comiserate with, to just know that someone is there.    T-H-A-N-K  Y-O-U

 Today it rained.  All day again.  Nevertheless.  The day went fast.  I didn’t think we would get a lot done but we did.  Having the third employee now learning to do some of the work, is more than kewl.  I can breathe.

  When we are typing certain things now, we have a big old laugh at one of our “big” bosses. (we have so darn many)  He is someone who paperwork has to go through to get approved for awards and such, and often, we will type up a very very nice award or medal for a soldier only for him to take his big red pen

(yes.  like a teacher)

and line through in red what he doesn’t like, and often it is some what of an insignificant of a change like a substituted word, a word he likes better. 

  Today, he kicked back i think about a dozen of these certificates to one of my co-workers and boy she was MAD.  cuss words were flying.   We have decided what this person is getting for Christmas. 

 A red pen with his name on it!  grrr… it wouldn’t be so bad, but the paper used for all these certificates is sooo expensive.   

  ”the man” was in a mood.  we actually argued at work today…yes, in front of people.  I felt sick afterward, not literally, but kind of like we’d reached a new low.  A WTF moment if you will.

 He remained in a bad mood for all evening while I downloaded some new tunes for my MP3 player for future gym workouts.   I finally got to talk  to him, but we didnt get far.   Butting heads.  then my grown daughter called.    somewhat of a relief. 

 

I think my life is a little bit like the recent weather in Kansas.  There is a low pressure system, swirling about overhead causing prolonged periods of rain and or wintry mix.  

   

The good thing about tonight is that the girls were in a great mood and in a mood to cooperate fully with bedtime and cleaning up and such. 

 I did cook tonight because it was my turn.

  It’s late now and I do have to sleep but….DON’T FEEL LIKE IT.  lol. 

 Tommorrow is training day, but if it rains I will be late because I will be taking the girlz to school.  Lucky me.  Bring on da’ rain….no.  scratch that. 

 make it stop.

____________

“Got no feel, I got no rhythm
I just keep losing my beat
I’m ok, I’m alright
Ain’t gonna face no defeat
I just gotta get out of this prison cell
Someday I’m gonna be free, Lord!Find me somebody to love
Can anybody find me somebody to love? “~QUEEN/SOMEBODY TO LOVE