” We think you are far too sensitive…”

      A day when I want to put M & M’s on my sandwhich, have deep fried everything, and eat cheeseburgers for all three meals. 

 A day when even minimal tasks seemed maximal. and the hours dragged on at work. 

 First, it is Friday.  Fridays at work in my office drag on and on and on….I can also  gage the hours by my co-worker’s habits.  At precisely 10 a.m. she gets her change out and go buys a coke.  She’ll always ask me if I want one.  I usually say no, because I’ve had my own gallon-o-coke by then at breakfast. 

 She goes to her “snack” cupboard where all kind of oatmeal bars exist.  nutrigrain, crackers with peanutbutter, etc…  She washes her hands after, putting on lotion very deliberately rubbing it in, I think she counts how many times she rubs it in.  

  Later on, closer to the afternoon, she will ask what doug and I have planned for the weekend.  (nothing, thanks for asking how bout you is my answer)  

Ladies, did you ever have your “heavy” day at work?  Well, okay, and that was today too.  cramps up the wazoo.  hormone headache and this:  the ”2nd email”

 I got another one from the Punisher today.  It embodied the very meaning of suckiness.   Some people know how to write great poetry…this person knows how to write great poison.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An EXCERPT from the 2nd email:

“It just sounds like your full intentions were

 to go to ___________ ONLY.

 And we have heard that before about

………. But when people say we want to make no plans, 

they usually mean they have no intention of spending

any time with another person outside of NEUTRAL ground.

 HELLLOOOOO, we are not dumb.

It’s been done before, to us & to others,

 all over the world. “ 

 

***However, if a ride down here to visit & see where we live, etc.

 WITHOUT being escorted or

 guarded by others is not optional,

 then we would say that can work both ways. 

You don’t get it “yet” that relationships are TWO-WAY.***  

  

So maybe, in regard to how you feel,

 & how we would come in last on your

 totem pole measurements, maybe we shouldn’t bother going to ________’s 

& SPOIL everything for everybody.???

 That’s how we feel at the moment….”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 I wanted a stress free Thanksgiving vacation visiting my brother and his family in Michigan.  Yes, the Punisher was going to be there.  In theory, i thought I could handle that. 

but when the Punisher started asking questions and getting mean about why we would or wouldn’t be coming to “their” house at some point “alone” .  I freaked. 

 I panicked.  I thought, “I am sooo not ready for this”  the last trip seeing them when Big A was 18 months was so screwd up and the one before that. 

 Basically whenever I am anywhere near the punisher I feel constricted in every sense of the word and like I am somehow back in my kid/teen body experiencing b.s. all over again.   Why would I still want to visit? 

Then, I spoke with my brother who assured me that everything is allright and that my bro and his wife and kids all wanted to have us,  and I felt relieved, and Doug put his foot down too.  So that’s it.  We’re going. 

 

undercurrent

  I have always been able to blog with ease and relative anonymity. 

 

 

  I swore that when people started reading my blog from familiar places, I would NOT put an invisible gag on myself.  I’m keeping this promise to myself. 

 

 

 

  If you have read my blog from way back you know, that I published an 11 part series on my abusive childhood.  It was a crushing series for me to write. 

 Liar-Part 1

Mask-Part 2

Control-Part 3

Oppression-Part 4

Despised-Part 5

Exodus-Part 6

Heroes-Part 7

Expectations-Part 8

Leashed-Part 9

Facades-Part 10

Catalyst-Part 11

 

 I had to purge this past somehow though, and that became the only way I knew how.   Why do you continuously bring it up then, Sweetiegirlz? 

 

 

 

 

Well,  It’s because the “punisher” (the main person who abused me all my life)  is still in my life, tho this person has been at a distance for some time. 

 

 

 

 

 Still, keeping a bunch of miles between us, has not dulled the pain.  It’s like a scar from a severe burn. 

 

 

 

 You look at it every day.  It’s ugly.  It’s there and you cannot deny it happened. 

 

 

 DID THE PUNISHER BURN ME?  No. 

 

 

 But the person did many other worse things, many of them so emotional, it affected me for years and years. I would’ve preferred this person HAD burned me physically.

 

 

  Now,  comes Thanksgiving 2009.  Because of circumstances largely financial and military,  I haven’t seen my younger brother for 7 years. 

 

 

 His family is beautiful.  His children 2 boys and a girl are growing and I have a chance to see them in 12 days, or so.  

 

 

 

 I specifically did not tell the Punisher whom I recently started communicating with again, about my plans.  I wanted it to be a surprise to this person.  a nice surprise, since it has been over 10 years since we saw the Punisher and the “other”.

 

 Well, as things happened, I DID end up telling the punisher, because we were talking about some other family member, and it just came up.

    Today, I got this email (i will not publish it because it is like a knife cut, fresh and open and sore)  from the punisher. 

 

The email does not tell me not to come (it actually is asking will i be able to stop by their home too)

 but it is peppered with stupid remarks about another situation regarding other family member.  It is scathing and irritating and places blame squarely on me, although I am 44 and have had no dealings with anyone for a looonnng time.   The email was almost sounding ‘happy’ that a finger of blame could be extended my way once again and that, that is the nature of a controlling person.  to latch on to that person through any means possible.     

 You see, it was all I could do to just plan on bringing myself into the vicinity of this person at all. 

 

 

     I was beginning to have anxiety attacks just thinking about this.  But my brother’s wife is very welcoming and loving and said that all the children are very excited to see us, and their cousins, big and little A. 

 

   I consider myself a forgiving person.  I don’t like conflict.   In fact I have ran away from the punisher in life, several times because of  “conflict” in general that seems to be at the heart of this person’s agenda/existence/ goal in life/ etc… 

 

 

 

  even with years of counseling, I have not been able to shake the terrible hold that this person has had on me, my whole life.    I will have to see what I can do about not sucumbing to the undercurrent of stress and conflict that is rearing it’s head once again. 

   If this post makes no sense to you,  you can read the 11 part series if you like Soap operas. lol.

  Otherwise what I am posting here now, will not make as much sense. 

 After reading it you will know beyond a shadow of a doubt why I freak out about any shadow of disfunction in my own little family here in Kansas.    I am desperate to raise these gurlz  to do nothing but love life, and each other, and their parents.

Bless this nest with all it’s tangled branches and other thoughts

    It’s tangled branches with seemingly no sense of design, yet built to withstand the winds of life,  the rain of sorrow,  and the cold of seasons changing…

    Blogs to oblige the political correctness in me*  Dear Veterans:  Thankyou… thankyou for spilling your blood.  Thankyou for being far from home.  Thank you for doing without comforts of everyday life.  Thank you for worrying about your loved ones.  Thank you for bearing the burdens, the scars, the responsibility that is war.  Thank you for forging a way for others.  Without You, there is no US and no “U.S.”

~Love Sweetiegirlz

P.S.  I will make an effort to remember you on more than just this one day.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today was okay, i guess. It was a mixture of sad and sweet. 

 I was told by someone today, that someone very close to me has cancer.  

  Just another reminder of how vulnerable we are as human beings and how at any time at all our lives can change dramatically, even when there is a positive outcome, there still remains “the changing” part that leaves indelible reminders of times, we don’t care to remember. 

 I think I am fighting the last stubborn stronghold of this virus.  It started up in my head, went to my throat and now today it is making me cough…a lot.  I’m tired but oh so thankful that this day was a day off for me. 

 I slept in until 11 a.m.  Doug marched in the Parade with the “colors” and he had a great time since this year was near perfect weather and last year ugh,  raining and cold. 

Doug had his free dinner from Applebees in recognition of veterans everywhere.  I had soup by my own choice.  ’

  We did a little Christmas shopping early since we plan on going on vacation on thanksgiving and we are taking Christmas presents with us to save on the mailing.  

 Otherwise I would NOT be shopping early. I never did really get in the mood for Christmas until…Christmas.  go figure.  

 While in the store, at least 6 patrons thanked Doug for his service, since he was still in his uniform from the parade.   Proud of him.  I really am.

  Others in the restaurant included some elderly gentlemen, some with canes.  Some wearing their VFW (veterans of Foreign wars) caps.  

 This evening Big A had a couple friends over and we were all in the living room just talking and laughing and having a fun time.  She is not on lockdown anymore, and she can be described as prolly the happiest teen on earth.   I just want her to stay this way:

 

*big A and her best friend*

 

 

*little A guitar hero freak*

 

 

*Big A and her friend that is a boy*

Tommorrow: work.  early.  so, see you all later.  have a great Thursday. (((Hugs)))) SG.

 

 

 

 

is your blog name at the bottom of this list?

   I’ve been tagged by gary of www.wideworldofgary.wordpress.com  

 Gary’s blog is kewl.  He’s a fellow photographer like me (only I don’t get paid lol) and he publishes a photo a day for us to peek into his world…altogether now….”the wide world of Gary!”

  He often asks the questions that many of us ask in every day conversations, because he’s ‘just curious’ like that.   He seems like a fun person to know along with his family and camping tales.

SO HERE GOES: 

 

1. Where is your cell phone?   Purse

2. Your hair? Dark

3. Your mother? Difficult

5. Your favorite food? Enchiladas

6. Your dream last night? none

7. Your favorite drink? Coke

8. Your dream/goal? Photographer

9. What room are you in? office

10. Your hobby? Photography

11. Your fear? Homeless

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Employed

13. Where were you last night? Home

14. Something that you aren’t? Dull

15. Muffins? All

16. Wish list item? Cameras

17. Where did you grow up? Michigan

18. Last thing you did? Breakfast

19. What are you wearing? Black

20. Your TV? Big

21. Your pets? Dogs

22. Friends? Few

23. Your life? lacking

24. Your mood? Sick

25. Missing someone? Daughter

26. Vehicle? Civic

27. Something you’re not wearing?  watch

28. Your favorite store? Michaels

29. Your favorite color? Blue

30. When was the last time you laughed? Yesterday

31. Last time you cried? October

32. Your best friend? Viv

33. One place that I go to over and over? work!

34. One person who emails me regularly? No one

35. Favorite place to eat? Tampicos

 

Now I must tag 6 worthy people so I am tagging…..

 

I am the Cheese www.planetross.wordpress.com   

You did what? www.dobegil.wordpress.com

JeanHas been shopping www.jeanhasbeenshopping.wordpress.com

Sly www.tatteredandkickin.wordpress.com

www.glummum.wordpress.com

 

 

Noobie #3 and other situations from today

    Rapid change.  Did you ever find yourself in a seemingly precarious place in life and think it was the end of the world only to find out,  that’s really where you needed to be to perfect some change in you….?   Hmmmnnn……

Today I trained noob #3 a little bit.  I really don’t feel comfortable calling her noob!  She is old enough to be my mom. 

 Quiet.  Soft spoken.  Motherly…grandmotherly? 

  Bless my hollow heart, I guess I will be the only one in the office joking and laughing, and being generally improper at work. lol. 

 Anyway, It will be quite a little bit of time before  Ms. “Darla” (not her real name) gets accustomed to working here and trained.

  She is very nice.  very nice indeed. 

 Besides this today,  I worked with a scattered mind.  Couldn’t really concentrate on one thing or another, although it was an easy day.

  The rain or cold front has made it in today and the sound of it rolling down the gutters and roof quietly, is pacifying  me. 

I’m having issues with Big A and  I need this bit of respite.  I will just say that Big A is on lockdown.   Tonight was her first night on grounding, and she spent a tearful, drama filled evening trying to bargain her way to a no grounding. 

 nup.  not gonna happen, gurl.  

  So there she went onto the patio in the back,  and I just thought she was going to get a fresh air.  10 minutes later, I came to find her sitting out in the rain, with lightning in the distance.  Her legs crossed indian style,  her head and neck and back soaking wet.   I mean I almost lost it. 

 Am I not supposed to train this chick not to do certain things without her emotionally blackmailing me? 

 I called her in the house and told her to change into dry clothes and then stay in her room for the night.     She talked to her big sister on the phone for awhile and that seemed to soothe her.    I don’t know what else life has in store for her and i.  i don’t know what else i can handle. 

 

 

Doug has washed his hands of trying to deal with her stubborness (committing the same infraction over and over just because she doesn’t agree with the rules)    If he had his way, he’s want her grounded 2 months for this one.  So overboard!  ( i ended that discussion lest i say something i will regret a hundred years from now) 

I don’t really know how I am feeling, just that I’m weary tonight.  Thank goodness we have a veteran’s day holiday in the middle of the week.  that makes a great break up to the week.  I’ve been so tired lately.    TTYL. K?   Love and hugs,  SG ((()))). 

Did They or didn’t They? and other Sunday night thoughts

        Our house is on the right.  The one where all the leaves are piled against the house. 

   The neighbor’s house and (clean, leafless yard)   is on the left.

  I’m having a problem deciding:  Did they blow all their leaves onto our yard instead of raking them?  Or is it a coincidence, and the wind blew them all over? 

You, the people must decide.  lol.    (I’m just kidding really, I already know the answer.)  I just thought it was a humorous photo.

 

 

 

 

    Okay, let’s make the question a little harder… 

 

  Let’s play guess the picture. 

Of course it’s photo shopped.  But not very MUCH.  You can trust me.  I wouldn’t lie.   I will show the  original photo if some people guess at it, K?  You might be surprised at what it is.

 

The remodeling of the doll/model house goes on…

  This weekend, I did some custom molding for the kitchen, finished “painting” the walls glidden paint “caffe latte”  color, all 4 walls.  I built a custom molding door frame, and overhang.  and gave the windows some trim…  

 

 

 

   Now i need some advice:

 

     Look at the plastic windows that were built into the wood frame of the house.  They are pretty dirty.  I tried cleaning them and they still appear dingy and a little dirty and some of them are scratched. 

 Like I said,  they are built into the window frame.  So if I wanted them out, I would just have to take them out by cutting with an exacto knife.  

 I feel that dingy windows detract from the house.  What do you think?   are they dirty and scratched enough for me to remove them?

 

 

Here’s an extra picture I took Saturday morning of a goose landing.  the sunrise that early in the morning paints a magnificent goose landing pretty colors.  I enjoyed him very much. 

In about another month or so,  the pond/lake will once again be overflowing/crowded beyond belief with Canadian geese, seeking warmth. 

 I couldn’t help but notice today, that there are plenty of  brand new,  PLEASE DON’T FEED THE BIRDS OR WILDLIFE, Signs about the area now.   

 

I wonder when it changed from last year.  I wondered if someone got bitten. 

 

Fort Hood shooter gives Army a Huge black eye

        

    And everyone stationed on Military posts on American
Soil will never forget today.  

“ Eleven people plus an attacker were killed and 31 were wounded after a gunman opened fire at Fort Hood in Texas on Thursday…” photo and news courtesy of:  CNN

CNN plays continuously throughout our facility on post, and as word spread here in Fort Leavenworth, KS ,  I think we were all in some form of pain for those victims and families.

    We empathized.  We immediately felt for those dozens of Soldiers and the feeling was multiplied to the nth degree because this person who wore the uniform,  I won’t even dignify him by calling him a Soldier, he was a wolf in sheep’s clothing.   

The fact that he was angry that he was being deployed to Iraq… just shows he was the world’s worst coward. 

 There are single mothers with infants  who have been deployed to Iraq and have served their country with dignity, and guess what?  They aren’t coming home the same person inside…

 All the speculation by the News media who gave this person the benefit of the doubt, ”oh he was stressed…” la de da…give me a big fat break! 

Doug and I spent the better part of the night rolling our eyes at the T.V.     All evening we heard only one person who made any sense, and that happened to be a veteran who’d been there done that, in Iraq.    

  Listen closely America.  Listen to your warriors cry loud.   They need your support more than ever.  

 Rest in Peace Fellow Soldiers. 

My husband is a Soldier and a medic.  We have such a peaceful post here.  Our families live in peace. But  Soldiers DO train for events such as this.

  Mass Casualty is something NO one wants to think about ever!  But Soldiers train for it, and for that,  we are all grateful. 

      *photo of Doug participating in a Mass Casualty excercise.

     Our hearts are appreciative toward the entire medical community of Fort Hood and surrounding communities who administered first aid to these Soldiers. 

Think of it this way…

RE: bad days.

        Before you get all ornery and junk, just remember, it really could be worse!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My so called office life

blinking cursor night.   Monday was pretty much like all the other mondays except I didn’t go thru burger king drive through. 

 I didn’t have a coke for breakfast. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 ” one study discovered that drinking one or more soft drinks a day — and it didn’t matter whether it was diet or regular — led to a 30% greater chance of weight gain around the belly.
” Doctor Maoshing Ni, health.yahoo.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 I sat at my desk having had 3 hours sleep last night again.  Sleep comes at a high price in my house between Doug snoring and now Big A having a severe earache/throat virus.  She woke up at 4 a.m crying  and asking for medicine.   She also stayed home from school.

  I sat at my desk looking down at my little cup of cottage cheese, and enjoying my apple, and then thoroughly loving my ice water all day.   (not, but lets just say I did)  

  I reminded myself that I don’t want any of that weight back on me that I lost.

   My body did kind of a tantrum thing where it gave me a caffeine withdrawl headache and then I was as irritable as ______________(you fill in the blank, I’m at a loss of words right now, and be creative) 

My co-worker talked to herself the whole day.  srsly.  I thought she was losing her mind for a second, but then I didn’t factor in the air system at work blowing out non stop rushing air at the speed of sound, on top of us no less, and we didn’t know how much dust and yuk was in that air, so  after awhile, the air velocity took it’s toll on me. 

  

by the time we called in a work order, it was already time to go home.  I slept and slept until 7 p.m. I was grateful to hear relative silence, but then I had big A on my ass again about the football game.  (dang that gurl is stubborn)     I will take the air blower at work over Big A’s screeching, anyday. 

  My sugar baby was there for me after work.  She always is:

   Tried and true, and flea-less  her, she and I are buddies to the core.  

  Big A and Doug, went to her doctor appointment in the morning and big A has a virus. 

 She has laryngitis and sounds something like she smoked a whole pack of  filter less cigarrettes.

  We went through this whole deal today where she called me no less than 8 times at work today, begging me to go to her friend’s basketball game after school.

   Well, we have had a rule since the beginning of the “A’s” days: 

 no school?  , no after school activities! 

If you’re sick enough to stay home, you don’t suddenly get well at the end of the school day, well enough to hang out.

   So big A calls with the same schtick all day:

Me: Personnel, [sweetiegirlz speaking] may I help you?

Her: Mom.  Can I pllllleeeeeeaaaaassssseee go to the game?

Me: No.

 There are as many variables on this conversation as I can think of.  Big A will make the ultimate CEO of a corporation or power lawyer one day.

  She promised me everything but her first born child to go to that game, but i stuck to my guns.  NO. 

  Eventually I got bored playing and tired of hearing my co-worker chuckling,

so I referred

her to Doug’s WORK number.

 I know. I know…she probably didn’t even know she had a dad.  It was a groundbreaking day for all of us.  

Thank God for Excedrin migraine strength.

Work and Werewolves and His brooding self

World spinning today with work, and werewolves, and flappers, and woodstock performers.

 

   i know.  doesn’t seem like those things go together does it? 

 It did today.  The only caveat to the halloween costume contest was the flurry of papers hitting and leaving my desk.  Otherwise it was awesome.  A lot of people dressed up. 

 

 

  I would’ve had at least a couple pics but I was soooo busy coming back after being home with little A that I didn’t have time to sneeze.

  The weather is a little cold right now.  So much rain has passed over the last days. 

 

 

Today, was the day when leaves scattered like a crazy stampede of miniature people, across the roads.  While driving,  it may be possible that you are sometimes surprised by the sheer amount of leaves blowing like so many empty brown bags,  into your driving path.

  It was  a day to stay on your toes.

 Wind blew piles hither and yon (what does that mean anyway?)  they landed all over our porch, trapped by the “corner effect” of how our house and garage meet. 

 

 

 Anywhere you look, there are “nature made” huge piles of leaves in one place and then you glance around and some part of the leaves have blown completely bare on another part of ground!  Pretty strange.   

 

 I do love fall when it’s like this.  I love the sunshine with it tho.  today was just gloomy. 

 

 

not much else is going on.  It was nice to be welcomed back to work today.  It was nice to be missed.   I AM MISSED!!! YAY.  (“you’re back!”  *smiles*)

 

 

 if  for nothing other than my work value, I was missed for the last few days…I’m ecstatic about that.  It means that I am competent at my job. 

 A lot of people asked about little A.

 

 

    So it’ s Friday.  We DO have to stay in with little A.  I know that.  But can it be anymore boring?  Doug has been a little lot distant from me. 

  He’s brooding.  He’s cleaning and muttering under his breath, and cursing at times.   I don’t know how much more miserable he can be. (or I can be) 

 

 

I’m asking him a hundred times.  what’s up with you?   Even if he said,  “I hate your guts, Fuck you”   it’s better than him saying “nothing”.  

  Because of course, we as women know that “nothing” most definitely means something.  Especially when he’s acting like this.   

 

   but then “nothing” became “I just have a lot on my mind” and then that became, “I’m stressed at work, I have a ton of this and that to do.”  and the inevitable:

I have to go in for a few hours tommorrow (Saturday morning)  

 

I knew there was a something to that nothing.  So I let him be. 

 and I  watched  Pink Panther 2  (which is better than the first one, I’d watch it just for fake accents, sooo funny) 

 Little A snuggled up to me on the couch while we waited for Big A to come home from the dance.   

Here comes she with a glowing headband on, looking…..well….glowing!    Surprisingly, she makes curfew.  but then…

 

Her:  Can I like, yeah, can I go back over to  Sara’s?

ME: no, you have a sore throat, you need to stay in.

Her: you suck I hate you.