Intrusive Thought Night means wishing I could “Click” ahead

 It’s a blinking cursor night.   One of those nights where it’s hard to define how I’m feeling. 

 For the next few months are to be “ juggling- balls -in- the- air” kinda months. (or if I don’t play my cards right, bricks in the air.)

  For one,  I have applied for jobs in the area where I’m moving shortly.  Being able to finesse all this timing of job, moving, kids in school, him getting orders to actually go…. ugh!  

 I have applied for 6 jobs of which are all modest salaries but comparable to what I do if not higher. 

 My supervisor said that I have a good resume. 

 The timing and the waiting comes in when I do get called for a job, and I may have to leave sooner than Doug does when he gets orders. Sooner by a few months.  This is not a bad thing really.

 One child wants to leave immediately with me, and one does not. (can you guess which child wants to stay? lol)

 

Big A is SERIOUSLY balking at sharing a room with her sister!

 

  You see, there is a temporary apartment close to my older daughter’s apartment. 

If I moved sooner than Doug, I wouldn’t have furniture until the movers come and get it and move it from here, because the Army can’t move things unless the service member themselves are moving.

  Probably 3 months later I’m guessing, because we weren’t due to move until June.

 I’ve done worse for myself before,  though. 

 WAY worse. 

 In all, job security is worth the hassle of going there early.    That’s the bottom line.  I’ve made sacrifices for this Army life for a long long time.  Now it’s time for the Army to work around ME!   

   I don’t think I will be moving again once I get where I’m going. 

Doug already knows this.    

 

Why am I so bent on moving early?  I’m not actually.

  I could just stay and then take my chances on when we will get settled, what jobs pop up then.  But problem is,  to get a government housing like we live in now,  we’d still have to wait in a temporary place anyway…on the waiting list.

  I am just anxious to get all that “waiting” and job hunting over with.    You have no idea how anxious…

 

In a sense, I am super excited.  I want a lot more for my life than this small rural Kansas area has to offer.  I’m so happy to soon be within arm’s length of my grown daughter.    

 

 So then,  I came home early from work today. *again* sigh.  I wasn’t feeling well.  headachey and all that.

 

 I slept and then spent the better part of an hour putting the Christmas tree back together after it kept falling apart, and falling over, and leaning, and bare and and and…One part of the stand was missing so he duct taped it to something to keep it up. 

*here it is lit* 

  When Doug put it up,  he well… let’s just say, he didn’t take his time. lol.  It’s up again now, and loaded with decorations.  Cozy.  Except Sugar keeps eyeing that tree skirt like she wants to pee on it. 

                                                                      Here it is, in the light→

A couple of the decorations I bought when Doug was somewhere else for Christmas…

     

 

and  a couple are what the kids made in school, like this one that Little A made in Hawaii.  I think she was in Kindergarten here:

I made red and green M & M cookies.  They are gone.  lol.  I watched TV and that’s it.  My whole evening.  Poo.   How was yours?  I hope better than mine. heeee…! 

 

 Right now, I have such a multitude of feelings about things happening around me.  I wish for just once people had a fast forward thingie like in the movie “Click“

   where you could just fast forward around the parts of life that you want to live fast.  Or maybe not to live it, just to see it.  Just to rest my mind.   

I’d sooooo….just jump to my new job, my new home, our new life..if I could. 

 Not that it’s not fun with all the balls in the air.

I wanna see this! And other thoughts

     I still get a kick out of seeing this little guide on the treadmill.  If I saw a 100 year old person jogging on the treadmill….lol,  I’d want the person’s autograph. 

Because they’d be my new hero.

These dumbells are for when you bring your 2 year old to the gym to work out with you….  Everytime I see these dumbells at the gym,  I think “what’s the friggin point!”

I’m actually really relaxed now.  I had a pretty long day.    The gray clouds are here today, after the beautiful sun we had yesterday, and we are supposed to have a good snow this week.  We’ll see. 

  Doug and I went to take pictures but the shots were weak,  Eventually I got a couple though.

  “Unglamorous Christmas” (to be posted) is a photo essay that kind of put itself  together. 

 After I had taken a few photos I was kind of sensing a theme.  The small town decorations of  the Holidays were pretty meager.  Much is to be said for the “lit” version of these shots.

 The whole premise is that Christmas is a celebration of Jesus’ birth.  The celebration; the ‘decoration’ should be on the inside of us.

  Be generous with those who go without this year.  Host a family.  Buy a present for a child in need.  invite someone who needs someone this Christmas.  Wear Christmas decorations of the heart…all year. 

  I am suffering a little bit from blog regret right now.  when i started my blog a couple years ago and i really didn’t have any contact whatsoever with any one that knew me from my home state.  My blog was my pride.  I was free to blog what i wanted, when I wanted, with no regret.

  Now, that certain people have my blog addy, I’m always in a sense, hyper vigilant about what I blog.  Life was better when I was anonymously Sweetiegirlz. 

 I should say somewhat anonymously.

  I feel like I’ve not been true to myself lately by  NOT blogging how I usually blog here. 

 As usual and unfortunately, the people who have known me the longest in my life, have been the most judgemental and critical of me.  It didn’t take long before this “reality check” set in.  I will always be the black sheep.  Always.  As long as I have a connection to them I will be controlled.  Period.

 I  am not sure if I can ever write freely here now.   I may even consider starting a new blog anonymously.  I know of one person I read regularly that had to do this.  That would really suck tho.  Because I enjoy posting photos and I enjoy connecting with people who have been here with me a long time. 

Apparently my header photo makes Sweetiegirlz look trashy *High chick rant warning*

  I’m here against my will.  Gravitating to the blog once again because I am letting something upset me that shouldn’t have.

   It’s the story of my life actually.  Upset about the things I shouldn’t be.  Indifferent about the things that I should be upset about. 

 

   Tonight someone visiting my blog for the first time, told me that I need to remove the picture of them from my blog. 

 

 They told me that they at first thought they hit the wrong site because my header looked like something you’d find on a porn site.

  They said they couldn’t “be associated” with my blog for that reason. 

 

  They went on:  

 My dress looks like a negligee. 

 I’m on a bed inviting men in.  yada yada.

   At first I was hurt.  I mean really really hurt. 

Then I got angry.

 

  I’ve had my blog for 2 years this month.   I wanted the person’s pictures on my site, so earlier this evening I changed my header as a compromise. The trouble is, when I compromised something on my blog, I compromised my own strength as well. 

 I felt I was not strong enough to even defend my rights.  I mean,  I know who I am,  and who I am not.   I don’t need someone to tell me what I look like.

 

  Then,  I got mad…really really mad at myself, for caving in. 

 For being “controlled” and  having my blog micro managed from afar.    Now I have only a few things to say:

 

I am not a whore.

 a porn star. 

 a web cam girl,

 or a freak. 

 the dress i have on in the picture goes down past my knees when I stand up.

    No one who has visited me thinks the opinion you told me is true. 

 Not even a guy.  If he does,  I’m sure he’ll quickly find out that Sweetie is strictly goodie two shoes, PG13 and all that. 

On top of this,  THIS IS MY BLOG. 

 

 It is an online diary/journal/ photo showcase and occasionally it is an online frenzy of high chick rants.  I will not compromise my writing, my pictures, my life for anyone. 

 

  If you dig deep enough on here, you will find out that I occasionally have a sailor’s mouth,

 talk about things deemed inappropriate in other’s minds,

and other things you might not like.

 

But, my header picture doesn’t matter.

I’ ve  downright poured my heart out here. 

 I receive from 200 to 250 hits a day from around the whole world.  Those who comment here reach out in love to me, with friendship. 

In that whole time, no one has EVER made a comment to me about my header picture. 

 

In other words I have over 2500 comments on here from people and not ONE of them has ever said my header looks the slightest bit wrong.  This includes visits from Christians. 

People read this blog because they like it.  If I didn’t have this blog I would have exploded from the stress of life, a long time ago.

 

   2 years ago when I started this blog, I was drowning in stress, living as a single parent in a high crime area.

  If I hadn’t  had my blog to journal in, and the WONDERFUL people who have supported me here on wordpress, I might literally decided, that life wasn’t worth living.

  

PS~I have removed your pictures at your request.

Now here’s some other headers I have had over the last months I’ve been blogging, enjoy.  (and yes they are all my photographs) 

Drinking last year’s cocoa, this year

*picture taken last week in Michigan*

Overheard today in a restaurant :

 

first lady:  wow, it’s really cold out today.

2nd lady: Yeah, I know, I can’t believe how cold it’s been!

Me:  “thinking* hellooooo it’s December….

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And although it’s been a  mild winter here before that,  Some kind of cold had to set in here sometime.  and here it is…17 degrees tonight wind chill.   chance of flurries.  Yay!   Okay, not really yay, but it’s not the end of the world. 

 

While visiting in Michigan last week, they had this weather.  Chill North wind. random cold rain and/or snow. 

 

   My sister in law made every one hot chocolate and cappacino in a nifty little machine. 

 We all sipped from hot mugs of it and had whipped cream on top, with little peppermint bark candy and gingersnaps.  

  I think these kind of days are like little bits of Heaven on Earth. 

 

 untillllll…. Little A tells her Aunty that: 

 ”WE have one of those (hot chocolate machines) at home, but….Mom never uses it!!”

 

   gah!!!   thankyou, little A.  You’ve just told my brother’s wife, that we never used their Christmas present to us after one whole year of receiving it!

 

    My brother  got a big kick out of Little A telling them this little “factoid” too. 

 My brother points at their machine which is full of delicious hot cocoa,  “In case you wondered, Renee, this is what it does!” 

 A- HA …A- HA.

 

    So today,  I finally took it off the shelf,  put my powdered cocoa in it and served it up, after work. 

 Works great. Lemme tell you.  I   love drinking hot cocoa on a night like tonight. 

  The cool thing about this little machine is that if the remaining cocoa sits there and cools off, the machine kicks back on and warms it again.  Now that is a nice gift!  (even if it is last year’s gift.) 

The wrong side of the sky

Have you ever felt like you were on the wrong side of the sky?   

 Today is very introspective as I’m home taking care of little A who was puny today and vomiting last night…while I watch a man with great power from Iran declare that more nuclear power will be made soon in his country, and Israel “cant do a damn thing about it”.  

 

 It’s only been a few hours after Doug tells me that a fellow Soldier posted on facebook “RIP” to his wife “the last 6 years has been the best of my life” 

 

 Yesterday, a close family member of mine started chemo and radiation, and my 21 daughter tells me it shouldn’t take a disease to make family members talk to each other.  She’s heavy but correct.

 

I thought about how earlier in the week 2 women fought over a parking space in a Walmart parking lot in Houston Texas, and how one woman was killed over that parking space.

 

 And today I’m folding clothes while watching the “Maury” show, where a young woman has admitted to having sex with 100 men, and not knowing who the father is.   She tests 3 men and none of the 3 are the father.  They jump up, high 5 each other, laugh and carry on as if they just graduated from college, or got a raise. 

 

 Today, as I’m decorating the house in faux pointsettas and making of all things, a pineapple upside down cake, very ironic…I thought about how  This past week, rolling along on our trip up north, across now emaciated corn fields, and gray skies, with it’s perfect, almost untouched farms surrounding us,

I thought about how intense it feels to be on the wrong side of the sky. 

 

 How just above those leaden skies…there was sunshine, and peace and a freedom. 

 

This Christmas, as I get into the spirit of decorating the house and planning my gifts to the children, I think about the weight of daily life on people, and how I can be someone’s help. 

Photo essay~Horsin’ around and other pet guests

  Menagerie~   “A collection of live  animals on exhibition; the enclosure where they are kept”

~wiktionary.org

 

*when I mentioned to my brother that this picture makes it look like their chameleon was laughing, he said,  “Renee,  it’s NOT laughing” lol.   For sure, this “thing” was very uncooperative. hissing and carrying on… fair to say.  he wasn’t my favorite pet in my brother’s family.

*little A bonds with “Peachy” the bird.  She is a very affectionate little bird who loves getting attention.

*”Bomber” is Peachy’s roommate

*I thought Big A was really striking with “Glitter”  who is her own show unto her own.  A little dynamite stick of energy.  She slept with the girlz  one night, curling up in the bendy part of big A’s knees. 

*when it was time to go riding, it was about 40 degrees.  Moses shown here with me gets brushed before putting the saddle on.  Horses take a lot of care! 

Doug was so funny riding. lol.  He was very skittish of the horse.  

*we both rode “Zeus”.  He is a very gentle horse.  When I went riding with him, and we went fast, I think it was for both of us.

    

Doug and little A brushing Moses, pre-ride.

*the day before, it was raining almost for hours, so no ride… but my brother fed them and I took pictures…..of course.

*while they were eating, I startled them and got black mud splashed all over my white jacket, jeans, camera and face!  My brother just had to mention that the mud was also mixed with horse poopie and pee. GROSS!

Moses ate both apples, since Zeus didn’t want anything to do with me at first.

it’s so funny how they drop pieces all over the ground when they eat.

I live in the first yellow “e” on the left

*filling the thing with fiberglass stuffin ain’t gonna help.  we’ll just make a nest out of it!*

 

 

“After of all of the darkness and sadness
Soon comes happiness
If I surround my self with positive things
I’ll gain prosperity”~Destiny’s child/Survivor

 

 

No one wanted to  go to work, I think.  It was monday-ish.  With lots of papers to shove around and deliver, and type up. 

 There were people with issues.  Typical, usual issues.  No prob.   Life was ever the same…until. 

 Until my Army Son contacted me! Yay! finally after 4 months, and out of the blue, I just had to tell him what a big booger he was for remaining unattainable to the family. 

 As it turns out he was training for going to that big sandbox overseas. 

 What every mother detests to hear.  Her son is going to war.

   I don’t like it, nevertheless, I must accept this, just as every mom who has a son in the service does.  Military.

  Military father. 

Military husband.

  Military son.  

 

 

    There’s another family member close to me. 

I cannot reveal the person.  that person starts treatment for Cancer soon.  my heart is aching for this person.  It doesn’t seem real that a monster has bullied it’s way into the body of the person close in family to me.  I can’t go into details about this one.  Privacy is a big issue.

 

 

 As much as I might reveal my innermost thoughts here,  I won’t reveal who.

   So really the day dragged on, and then finally, after lunch, I’d made up my mind.  The gym would see my tired sneakers once more.

 

 

 

  I stuffed my clothes in the bag, and made up my mind.  Once in there, seeing the gym was like seeing a friend you haven’t seen in a while.  I was happy, though i wish cardio wasn’t so hard for me.  I punk out after 2 miles. 

 

I know a Soldier in our company,  he runs like a rabbit. 

 He just finished a 5K run in 18 minutes, taking best all around and best in male category, both.  

  He’s young though.  Still I wonder if I could ever get reconditioned enough in my body to do something like that person’s time.

  18 minutes people.  I cant run a block in 18 minutes! 

  But lift the weights?  It’s on!  It felt soooo good. 

 

 

 Talking to my son this evening made my day.   Maybe he will keep in touch this time for longer. 

 Maybe.

Just time enough for hello and thoughts

    Gravitating toward bedtime and sleep, even though we spent all of today driving back to the land of Dorothy and Toto. We did not want to come back. 

 Visiting my home state and seeing everyone after all these years, really reinforced and drove home the fact that every day is a gift to us, and life should be lived accordingly.

  Family is…p-r-i-c-e- less!  Things happen and life happens and we know this.  Apparently “time heals all wounds” is not just a saying after all… 

  By now, you read me and you all know me and you know I do have about eleventy hundred pictures to go through (actually I took 186) and I just wanted to stop in and say hello to all before bed. 

 My eyes are stinging and sleepy.  the house is quiet.  i have my Sugar baby lying next to me, and I have missed blogging terribly.  It was like being grounded from the computer! lol.  

  tommorrow I will see about stopping in for a chat with some of you and posting more pics.    G’nite. <3 SG

*thanks be to God for my lovely thanksgiving 2009

*setting the table with love.

*what once may have been rare, has become priceless*

*my dad.  in the most perfect natural light I’ve had so far.  I have missed him*

Stating the obvious, Meaning it the Mostest

Sweetiegirlz is gone packing….for a lil bit.  I just wanted to wish everyone who will be visiting with family, dining with family, dining without family, and otherwise  partaking in the annual thanksgiving feast: 

 

 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!! 

 

 

  I have so much to be thankful for and I know you do too.   i will have some great pictures to bring back to you all, and I am thankful that I am seeing my parents for the first time in 12 years, my brother and his family for the first time in 7 years. 

~Cheers!  SG

Of Rain, and Sincerity

    Yesterday, I couldn’t finish this post.  I got so tired early that I had to save it.

  I’m off work today, officially on leave and tying up loose ends for going to Michigan tommorrow.  I won’t lie if I say I’m not still a little nervous, but things are way better than they were. 

  Yesterday, was also Darla’s birthday at work.  We always do a cake and take the birthday person out for lunch, so that was a welcome distraction to everything going on.

   So, don’t ask me why, but when I got home from work yesterday,  I just slept and slept and slept.  4 hours again. Poo.

 I can’t figure out why one month I can go to the gym after work and run 2 miles and pump iron, and another month,  sleep like a baby every day.

  I will try to fit in a long walk today if the weather will let me, it rained big last night, and we even heard occasional thunder!  November.  wow. 

 As usual the whole rain falling on the roof overhead, lulled me into peace.  I think if I had to be thankful for something, I would be thankful for that.  Just burying my face into the comforter at night, all warm, while inclement weather doesn’t touch me…

Yeah.  the man thing: 

He’s been extremely friendly lately.  It will always happen like that, after conflict like this. 

 On the outside looking in, someone might say, “well crap, what do you WANT from him?”  you get pissed when he’s mean, and you’re pissed when he’s friendly”  

 but then, that wouldn’t be an accurate picture of what’s going on. 

the whole picture is really a road map to this cross roads right here.  A timeline if you will.

  Last weekend, I told him I saw a lawyer. 

 He answered by asking:  “how much did they want?” 

 

  Eventually we talked some more, but I think he senses that things aren’t just going to go back to what they were. 

 

 

Yesterday, we rode to work together in the morning. 

 He’s touching my now bare ring finger, “when you going to put this back on?  I want it back on.”

 

  Me: when I feel like it, when you get your stuff together, Iwill know when it’s time to put it back on”  (or words to that effect)

 

 

  Him:  “well can I have the ring back then?  I’ll pawn it for money” 

(and yes, he was serious)

 

 Me:  “what!? you gave this ring to me, it is MINE”

 

Him: oh. well, can I take my ring off then?

ME: whatever.